In October, TechCrunch was named as co-defendant in a patent infringement lawsuit against Loopt by plaintiff Earthcomber. Patent law isn't really my game so I don't know anything about merits of the case, but haranguing Mike Arrington is my game, so I know plenty about how he's an internet tough guy.

When he got served with papers, Mike huffed and puffed about it, saying that he'll "find a way to counter sue this guy into the stone age." You read it, thought "oh shit, this guy is hardcore" and went about your merry business still thinking that TechCrunch is king of the internet. Not so. No countersuit has been filed. What's better, when Arrington refers to TechCrunch's "attorneys", he really means "Loopt's attorneys", as they're both being represented by the same firm, Perkins Coie, LLP.

Yeah, not so tough now.

Fake Thug, No Love, You Get The Slug

It gets better. It seems that TechCrunch's crack-team of lawyers doesn't really know how to litigate a patent infringement suit. In the linked TechCrunch article, you can read Earthcomber's complaint. It boils down to "you guys infringed my patent and shit". What you won't read at TechCrunch is the defendants' response. Basically, it says "No we didn't infringe your patent. Judge, please dismiss this case". [read it here, PDF] After reading this, the Chief J just went off. Judge Milton Shadur responded, saying "You're doing it wrong. Do you guys even know how patent law works?" and denied the dismissal. [judge's ruling here, PDF]

No countersuit, and you're trying to back out of it. Please just make the bad men go away! Looks like you're going to trial, Mike.

Yo, Overnight Thugs, Bug Cause They Ain't Promised Shit

It's such a bitch when people start asking nosy questions, isn't it? See, what's really cool about this case is that it will likely prompt a hail of subpoenas on Silicon Valley. People will be deposed, and, under oath, asked about TechCrunch's business dealings. We've always known that Arrington is up to some underhanded shit, but never has the extent of it been revealed.

Maybe that's why he's trying to back out of the suit.

Maybe that's why he hasn't hired his own lawyers.

Maybe that's why he puffed up his chest about it, vowing swift vengeance, and then did nothing.

Well, it looks like this lawsuit isn't going away, no matter how much Michael Arrington wants it too. Aww, is someone not feeling well?

[Ed Note]: There Will Be No Web 3.0 is cross-posted from my personal blog, and has a different image here. Hope y'all are having a good time stuffing your faces with cookies and spiked egg nog. I sure as shit am.

The recession reached its hand into Silicon Valley's now lukewarm tub and yanked the plug.  It's still draining out, and I wish it would go faster, because there are just too many fucking people in the San Francisco Bay Area.  I'm talking about you, guy in your Prius taking the left hand turn on to Middlefield Road too slowly.  Leave, now.  And don't come back.  Bonus points for wrapping your expression of environmental consciousness around a tree.  Be one with nature.

The guy who drives the Prius likely works at a Web 2.0 company that's burning its way through the $4 million it raised from Me2 Ventures, one of the many sheep-funds in the Valley who follow the trends of top-tier investors like Sequoia or DFJ but don't have the connections to pull liquidity out of hype.

In two years, this guy's company will finally run out of money, having failed to raise another round because investors are too busy conjuring up the next bubble.   The failure of Web 2.0 was a live demonstration in I-Told-You-So, as was the first bubble.  Both times, the world looked on and thought "what the fuck are you doing?", and Silicon Valley replied "shut up and bring me my Vaseline".  We went from bad business plans to no business plans, and saw much less liquidity this time.  The big bang was YouTube, and it was all down hill from there.

The Only Easier Money is Marijuana

So what will the next bubble be?  Green technology.  Green energy.  Green computers.  Green pants.  Green vomit after an Absinthe adventure.

Al Gore did a wonderful job creating awareness of global warming.  Awareness isn't the right word, but neither is hysteria.  Both are close enough.

San Franciscans were more motivated than usual by this cause, and have begun to care about their carbon footprints or other such nonsense.  Making a San Franciscan feel like he alone can make a difference is the best way to control his actions.  See also: spending habits.  Al Gore, with his nonthreatening voice and relentless assault of data has the power to cultivate the same feeling in stay-at-home-moms and college students.

Unfortunately, the average American mind can only be concerned with one crisis at a time.  Purveyors of fine doom-and-gloom are continuously vying for this spot.  Presently, it's the economy.  Foreclosures.  You're going to lose your house.  Oh fuck, you'll lose your house, your family, your car, and did we mention that you'll be living on the street?  Fear not.  Here's some shit you can buy to make it all better.  Here's a politician you can vote for who will fix everything.

Fear cycles last a few years.  Remember when we were afraid of terrorism?  What about peak oil?  Global cooling anyone?  When money comes back to the Valley, it's going to be aligned perfectly with the beginning of the next fear cycle, and the next fear cycle is going to be global warming.  Or climate change.  Or polar bear rescue.  You can call it whatever you like, as long as you spend money to fix it.  Do your part.  It's your obligation as a citizen of the earth.

Still Waiting For That Twitter Business Plan

Green tech hasn't taken off yet because liberal guilt can't support a very big market.  What you need is government collusion.  You need somebody with a gun to step in and say that if you emit more than 100 tons of carbon per year, you need to pay.  You need that same person with a gun to say that these carbon emission credits have value, and can be traded.  It helps if your typical Silicon Valley entrepreneur or investor believes the call to action.

That last part is easy.  Web 2.0 was all about San Francisco values.  Sharing.  Caring.  Understanding.  What would Web 3.0 be about? Many say it's some semantic bullshit.  Those are the same people who have figured out what Twine does (any hints?).  Whatever we can dream up to do over the internet won't draw any money; investors will be bored with web companies after this debacle.  The money will go to green tech, because there will be an obvious business plan, popular support, and a government mandate.  How can you lose? 

The entrepreneurs will follow suit.  Silicon Valley types love to feel like they're making a difference, and green tech will practically let them fellate themselves. (In Web 2.0 the Silicon Valley types fellated one another, so this is the natural extension)  It will be different people, as an extensive knowledge of Python doesn't give you much insight into solar panel construction, but the same kind of people.

I believe this because it's satisfying.  No more "get users, do something, get bought out".  This time, it's "invent something, build it, sell it".  Sure, we'll be turning a profit by taking sick advantage of alarmism, but it's a business. 

Pownce, the happy-go-lucky Twitter clone run by San Francisco debutante Leah Culver, is finally, finally being wiped from the internet. As a semi-professional asshole, I cut my teeth on Pownce a year ago, and finally watching it fail is a hard validation of my theory that the American Dream isn't any easier in Silicon Valley just because we want it to be.

To The Windows, To The Walls

Technically, Pownce was acquired by Six Apart, and will be shut down as the employees of Pownce get to work on projects that are actually part of a business bottom line. Revenue, profit, that sort of thing. Now, let me tell you a little something about "acquisitions" in Silicon Valley. If two or three startup founders go to interview at a company and the company wants to hire them, many times they are given the option of an "acquisition", where the hiring company will buy the founders' company for a very small amount of money that's usually on the order of a signing bonus or slightly higher employee stock grant. No real money is changing hands, it's more of a consolation prize.

This is most certainly the case with Pownce, as the terms were not disclosed and the product is being shut down. It's just a way to say "I sold my company to XXX" instead of "My company failed and I went to work for XXX". See how the former just rolls off the tongue? It almost makes you feel successful, insofar as walking around with a shoplifted Chanel handbag makes you feel rich.

Cupcake, No Filling

I really wonder how Six Apart is going to take advantage of this new talent. What project are they going to unleash Leah's fury on? She did just discover the miracle of marshalling database records to objects, which sadly is a step up after her catastrophic exposition on rounding numbers.

She seems to take some self-deprecating pleasure in broadcasting her incompetence to the internet, so I really wonder what kind of "talent acquisition" Six Apart made. The bitch of it is, Six Apart just laid off 8% of their staff, and now they're hiring this dunce? Fire a bunch of capable engineers only to hire the programming equivalent of Inspector Gadget who came to be an internet celebrity?

Suck, man.