Crunchies. Ingredients: Fail
/ 21.Jan.2008
Sprinkle with Ajax, do not substitute with business plans. Serves 2,000.
So about a week ago, Owen Thomas told me that he bought me a ticket to the Crunchies, and that he wanted me to live-blog it on Valleywag. After 7 days of pissing and moaning about doing work for a ticket that I didn't ask for, he told me to do whatever the hell I wanted. So I went to the thing, and holy shit, was I sorry. What a complete disaster.
I'm Paul Boutin. I Wear Sunglasses At Night And I Can't See Shit.
I would give a recap of the winners, but really, what's the point? Does anybody really care? Luke Nosek from the Founders Fund was handing out awards and didn't know anything about the companies he was calling to the stage. The guy was at the podium, reading notes from a Treo (not a piece of paper, not an index card, but a fucking Treo), stumbling over his words. Have a little respect for yourself and for the people you represent. Stand up straight, eyes toward the audience, and enunciate.
Between these presentations of stupid monkey statues were short video clips sent by the nominees, the responses of questions asked by the embarrassingly vapid Sarah Meyers. Protip: if you're going to be a video personality, learn to read a script. Ghastly.
The audience was split between two groups: startup founders and writers. Never have I been so ashamed of my profession. I lied to most of the people I met, telling them I was a freelance writer. Fact: you get a lot of truth out of members of the legitimate media when they don't think that you're part of the circus. Case in point, the business editor for a major newspaper in the Bay Area, who had the common sense to show up drunk. I was jealous.
Don't Wear A Flickr Sweater If You Don't Want Losers Pitching You Partnerships
The only redeeming part of the ceremony was Dan Lyons's acceptance of the "best device" award on behalf of Steve Jobs for the iPhone. The Richter Scales also performed live, earning the notable distinction of being the only people on the stage with any semblance of talent.
Moving on to the afterparty, I was reminded of why I don't go to these kinds of events. Too many people pitching too many ideas with not enough booze. There was cheap white wine, cheap red wine, and some lame vodka promotion. A lot of people were crowding around Arrington, presumably asking him to cover their startups. When I finally did meet the man, I was surprised. He was polite and complimented Uncov. I think he realizes that it's just the internet, and that he's the only one getting well off of this Web 2.0 frenzy. The dude is more competent than I thought, although I wish I could say the the same for Duncan Riley. Fail.
Oh, right. One more thing. This is the last Uncov. Ever. I have been getting tired of it, and this has been manifesting itself in my writing. After seeing the spectacle at the Crunchies, I think it's finally time to quit.
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